A return to a place with no heat, blown fuses, no fridge or oven and still no father. Echos still are found around corners, but not so loud. So I fix, and tidy, and sort. I must be better than I thought I could be, stronger than I though I could be. I no longer have only myself to look after. Such anger surfaced looking at others who effortlessly have things I so deeply wish for and do not have. A mother. A father who isn't dying. Siblings, brothers and sisters who are equals not just one who will soon need guardianship and dependency. A husband. A child. Family. Simple as that, anger at the unfairness that others have family as mine lessens as I watch helpless. At seventeen I learned that no matter how good you are, how hard you work, how much you plead and hope and bargain you are powerless before loss. So I believed in chaos, in randomness. I sought comfort in the fact there is no meaning to any action or destiny to follow. It is easier to believe there is no plan for me than comprehend that this is what is meant to be. This shattered and broken family is all I was meant to have.
1. It was my birthday yesterday and I got to fall asleep in the arms of my love.
2. I received a 2m long hand painted chinese scroll from a new friend that was really beautiful and covered in peonys to represent hope and good luck.
3. My father is responding well to treatment and doctors say we should see improvement in the next few days.
4. Every time I have explain to someone for the first time that he's ill and dying, it feels as if my heart is tearing a little more.
