I don't believe in absolutes anymore

Bones jut now. Always so big and strong, I now feel every bone in my fathers body when I hug him. He's not eating and I get so angry, as if he's choosing to waste away from us. Finally the fact he's dying is settling upon him which fills days with such sorrow. He's too young to realise he's dying when all I wish for if for him to be happy and healthy and alive. And this is moving further and further away. Sixty three is too young to be dying. This tangle he's leaving is starting to be unpicked but there is so much left to do. If months or weeks are all that is left, I don't wish to spend them doing menial tasks. I don't want the last conversation I have with him to be about when the car tax needs to be paid instead of telling him how I wouldn't be the person I am without him.

1. I made early pancakes with my love on saturday as I won't see him on pancake tuesday and spent a lovely day with him doing normal saturday things I miss so much.

2. It was sunny enough to sit in the park and eat ice-cream.

3. My brother had a wonderful birthday and loved the cake I had made from him and the balloon with his name on it.

4. I miss dad just being my dad and not being someone I have to help get dressed and eat and sit up and get medicine for and drive to the hospital.

Bright lights turn me clean

So far tears are the only thing that seemse to get through to him. He agreed to ask for more help when I couldn't catch my breath and my chest seared and my eyes stung. He told me not to worry. He told me he'd be there on my wedding day. He told me I was great. He asked me if I thought he'd ever want to leave. He told me to keep talking to him. He told me that no-one said life was fair. He told me he wants to exhume my little brother's body and have him re-buried with my mum. He told me he wants to choose his coffin. He told me my brother's life expectancy is only 35. Tomorrow is my brother's 27th birthday. He held my hand while we watched the oscars.

1. Today the sky is blue and it feels like this cold, hard winter is over.

2. Tomorrow is my brother's birthday and we shall have cake and presents.

3. Tomorrow I go home for a few days for the first time in months and see my love and my friends and sleep in my own bed.

4. It is March today, which is 3 months since dad's diagnosis and already halfway through his expected survival time.