i am the ghost in the back of your head

Still feel the need to escape. There are so many ghosts in this home, echos of loss and jagged outlines of those no longer there. And now another shape starts to appear, slowly around him. I regress, childlike in pedulance and logic. Do i have to repeat the same mistakes over and over? I ran once. This time it is not an option. I do not want to be here. 

1. Avoca make slices of pavlova the size of your head, but much better tasting, especially when shared with friends.

2. I was told a secret which will bring such joy in the coming months. 

3.Christmas decorations are still up and the night sky glitters with them.

4. He is getting weaker and started using a stick and I'm terrified he will never regain his strength.

Give a little time for the child within you

For some reason today was a very angry day. Too many days trapped by the snow and circumstance have led to fraught words and an frustrated self. In a need to escape and feel normal for a while I may have pushed back at someone who wasn't in a position to withstand, and for this I am sorry. I cannot do everything, but I must do somethings. If I am made aware of the needs, then I will meet them willingly. I don't want him to be alone in this, to have no-one to make sure he's okay, if he needs anything, if he wants to talk, or to sit quietly together. I don't want him to have to face his death alone. But I don't know how to do this and still have myself. I need to learn quickly as time is one thing we do not have.

1. I met my gorgeous godchildren for the first time and they met my father for the first time too.

2. After weeks stuck in the snow, my car and I escaped for lunch.

3. Modern Architecture from 1900 was on sale in the Phaidon shop and is now in my library.

4. I told my father that this is not my home and when he said that it is, it always is, I reiterated and said it hasn't been for 12 years, I think I bruised him when he's spent his life trying to make sure I'm okay.

A New Day

So today is a new day. Today is the day I start again. Today is two days beyond the anniversery of my mothers death thirteen years ago and one more day closer to fourteen years without her. Today is another day where I know that my father is dying. Today I decide that I cannot afford to wallow.  Today I sit weak with sadness and without direction as the world once again changes around me. Today I start looking for maps. Today is the day that I have decided to write four sentences each day for however long I need to, three written with thankfulness, one written with sorrow.

1. The snow is starting to melt so we can soon get my brother out of the house and I can go visit loved ones for Christmas.

2. Plans are afoot for a Christmas dinner with friends who are home from London and Vienna. 

3. I got to eat my chocolate snowman for breakfast under the illusion that it's okay, it's Christmas. 

4. One day soon I will have to tell my brother that my father is dead.