I don't believe in absolutes anymore

Bones jut now. Always so big and strong, I now feel every bone in my fathers body when I hug him. He's not eating and I get so angry, as if he's choosing to waste away from us. Finally the fact he's dying is settling upon him which fills days with such sorrow. He's too young to realise he's dying when all I wish for if for him to be happy and healthy and alive. And this is moving further and further away. Sixty three is too young to be dying. This tangle he's leaving is starting to be unpicked but there is so much left to do. If months or weeks are all that is left, I don't wish to spend them doing menial tasks. I don't want the last conversation I have with him to be about when the car tax needs to be paid instead of telling him how I wouldn't be the person I am without him.

1. I made early pancakes with my love on saturday as I won't see him on pancake tuesday and spent a lovely day with him doing normal saturday things I miss so much.

2. It was sunny enough to sit in the park and eat ice-cream.

3. My brother had a wonderful birthday and loved the cake I had made from him and the balloon with his name on it.

4. I miss dad just being my dad and not being someone I have to help get dressed and eat and sit up and get medicine for and drive to the hospital.

Bright lights turn me clean

So far tears are the only thing that seemse to get through to him. He agreed to ask for more help when I couldn't catch my breath and my chest seared and my eyes stung. He told me not to worry. He told me he'd be there on my wedding day. He told me I was great. He asked me if I thought he'd ever want to leave. He told me to keep talking to him. He told me that no-one said life was fair. He told me he wants to exhume my little brother's body and have him re-buried with my mum. He told me he wants to choose his coffin. He told me my brother's life expectancy is only 35. Tomorrow is my brother's 27th birthday. He held my hand while we watched the oscars.

1. Today the sky is blue and it feels like this cold, hard winter is over.

2. Tomorrow is my brother's birthday and we shall have cake and presents.

3. Tomorrow I go home for a few days for the first time in months and see my love and my friends and sleep in my own bed.

4. It is March today, which is 3 months since dad's diagnosis and already halfway through his expected survival time.

To cold climes comes springtime

He is home and it is good and it is difficult. Last week brought him rage and confusion and the tangible fear that he will slip away and I will no longer have a father. A valentines day spent in tears, pleading for a legal inheritance to be solidified to support my brother. "I'm not ready yet". Bowls held to hold milky vomit. A glimpse at what will come and a trembling in my heart that wouldn't cease. Some times it is too much and the days that will come threaten to dissolve the ones which are here. I want to ask him for his stories, but keep waiting. The idea that there will one day be no more tomorrows is ungraspable. There are too many days kept in waiting and less at my home, less of my life. I grumble like a child scorned when he fails to be my father as he should be. This is not as he should be. 

1. My love met my oldest friend in the world and mother to my beautiful godchildren and they liked one another. 

2. I spent an evening wandering across the city looking at art with friends and got a pile of belated birthday presents.

3. My Dad called up the stairs to wake me up on Tues and I never thought I'd hear that again. 

4. The cancer has spread to his bones making moving more painful every day.

Count your blessings to find what you look for

A return to a place with no heat, blown fuses, no fridge or oven and still no father. Echos still are found around corners, but not so loud. So I fix, and tidy, and sort. I must be better than I thought I could be, stronger than I though I could be. I no longer have only myself to look after. Such anger surfaced looking at others who effortlessly have things I so deeply wish for and do not have. A mother. A father who isn't dying. Siblings, brothers and sisters who are equals not just one who will soon need guardianship and dependency. A husband. A child. Family. Simple as that, anger at the unfairness that others have family as mine lessens as I watch helpless. At seventeen I learned that no matter how good you are, how hard you work, how much you plead and hope and bargain you are powerless before loss. So I believed in chaos, in randomness. I sought comfort in the fact there is no meaning to any action or destiny to follow. It is easier to believe there is no plan for me than comprehend that this is what is meant to be. This shattered and broken family is all I was meant to have. 

1. It was my birthday yesterday and I got to fall asleep in the arms of my love.

2. I received a 2m long hand painted chinese scroll from a new friend that was really beautiful and covered in peonys to represent hope and good luck.

3. My father is responding well to treatment and doctors say we should see improvement in the next few days. 

4. Every time I have explain to someone for the first time that he's ill and dying, it feels as if my heart is tearing a little more. 

i am the ghost in the back of your head

Still feel the need to escape. There are so many ghosts in this home, echos of loss and jagged outlines of those no longer there. And now another shape starts to appear, slowly around him. I regress, childlike in pedulance and logic. Do i have to repeat the same mistakes over and over? I ran once. This time it is not an option. I do not want to be here. 

1. Avoca make slices of pavlova the size of your head, but much better tasting, especially when shared with friends.

2. I was told a secret which will bring such joy in the coming months. 

3.Christmas decorations are still up and the night sky glitters with them.

4. He is getting weaker and started using a stick and I'm terrified he will never regain his strength.

Give a little time for the child within you

For some reason today was a very angry day. Too many days trapped by the snow and circumstance have led to fraught words and an frustrated self. In a need to escape and feel normal for a while I may have pushed back at someone who wasn't in a position to withstand, and for this I am sorry. I cannot do everything, but I must do somethings. If I am made aware of the needs, then I will meet them willingly. I don't want him to be alone in this, to have no-one to make sure he's okay, if he needs anything, if he wants to talk, or to sit quietly together. I don't want him to have to face his death alone. But I don't know how to do this and still have myself. I need to learn quickly as time is one thing we do not have.

1. I met my gorgeous godchildren for the first time and they met my father for the first time too.

2. After weeks stuck in the snow, my car and I escaped for lunch.

3. Modern Architecture from 1900 was on sale in the Phaidon shop and is now in my library.

4. I told my father that this is not my home and when he said that it is, it always is, I reiterated and said it hasn't been for 12 years, I think I bruised him when he's spent his life trying to make sure I'm okay.

A New Day

So today is a new day. Today is the day I start again. Today is two days beyond the anniversery of my mothers death thirteen years ago and one more day closer to fourteen years without her. Today is another day where I know that my father is dying. Today I decide that I cannot afford to wallow.  Today I sit weak with sadness and without direction as the world once again changes around me. Today I start looking for maps. Today is the day that I have decided to write four sentences each day for however long I need to, three written with thankfulness, one written with sorrow.

1. The snow is starting to melt so we can soon get my brother out of the house and I can go visit loved ones for Christmas.

2. Plans are afoot for a Christmas dinner with friends who are home from London and Vienna. 

3. I got to eat my chocolate snowman for breakfast under the illusion that it's okay, it's Christmas. 

4. One day soon I will have to tell my brother that my father is dead.